I need a really good ghostwriter

HI! I'm looking for a ghostwriter. But not any ghostwriter. I need someone who can take my audio transcriptions and make them as good - if not better - than my own writing. I also need someone who can keep a fucking secret, if you know what I mean. There will be some research, there will be interviews, there will be very specific requests I'll have for you, and I'll also have some "virtual assistant" type of tasks for you. There will be lulls in the work, but most of the time you'll be working between 15 and 20 hours per week for me. I'm offering $0.01/word for the written material. I'm offering $4/hour for the virtual assistant stuff. You wont be paid $4/hour on top of writing at $0.01/word, it's either/or. If you thought that might be the case, don't bid. Don't be an ass. Note that there will be work for many years to come. If you want a steady income, you're welcome to bid, but note that it's hard work. I need you to add the word "gave" to your bid so I know you've read the entire post. If your grammar is not perfect, don't bid. If you don't know how to add comparisons and American pop-culture references to your work, don't bid. If you plan on quitting after 2 weeks, don't bid.